So I guess I will share my testimony with Ya'll. This is part testimony, part forgiveness. It may be incomplete and I do apologize but I hope that you will understand That this is very hard for me to discuss but feel led to share. I have always heard of the complexes people have and tried to understand. I believe God spoke to me even more this week and I now realize that I too have a "Father Complex". I will begin with a little background. I was born some 31 yrs ago, no I don't feel old, I feel like a child still. I tend to forget the bad things that happen in my life(my wife says oppresses). I remember growing up and what a blast life was, going to lake with Dad and Mom. Then on the last day of 2ND grade i remember coming home and seeing my Grandparents there with a trailer hooked up to the truck and all our stuff loaded and hearing that we were moving from Iowa to Colorado with grandma and grandpa. Hey I think, but wait Dad isn't coming. WHAT! WHY! NO! THIS CANT BE HAPPENING? I don't think I remember talking at all the whole trip to Colorado. This is where I believe I hardened my Heart for many things. Also where I knew that only I could control the things that happen in my life and kept my emotions to myself. Looking back I do believe that God placed us in possible the best place we could be with everything that happened. My Grandfather was possible one of the best influences in my life. He was possibly the most influential man in my life that has shaped me in who I am. I will share more stories on Him later. My Mom worked hard to make sure we never lacked an anything. After having Kids of my own I have no Idea how she did it all alone. Much praise momma. I remember her starting to date several yrs later and having a lot of resentment towards her for trying to replace dad. My Dad was in the picture as much as He could being 12 hrs and 3 states away. Then about the time I was 10 or 11 my Mom, Brother and I moved in with another guy. We all got along pretty good at first. About the same time my Dad decided to go back to school and pretty much disappeared for about 3 years. My mom eventually married this guy and I guess I was needing that strong person in my life, searching. I too learned to love my stepfather and started working every weekend and summer vacation with him in oilfields of Colorado. I have to say the love I received was never what I received from my Dad but none the less filled a certain void. I learned a lot between Him and my Grandfather. My stepfather drank, which he became a full blown achoholic later on. When I was 15 I went to a church camp in Como, Co. I think we all went with girlfriends or found one there. Too our surprise I think the entire week was on keeping us away from the opposite sex. I too learned many things about my life about relationships and did not want the same my future that my parents had gone through. I knew then that I could not do it alone. That week I accepted Jesus as my Savior. Did my life change immediately, no! But after looking back Had I not made that decision, only the Lord knows where I might have ended up. Even after accepting Christ I still felt some sort of void in my life. I have ran with so many different crowds seeking something else for my life. What was it that was lacking in my life? Fast forward a few years and you find me probably as lost as the day I was saved. I drank, slept around and no respect for anyone but myself and what I wanted. I moved from Colorado to Texas still searching for something in 1999. I found some great friends and some Bad ones along the way. Life changed for the better for me but still running my own life. In the summer of 2000 my mother called and said she was going to be in town. Man was I excited to see her, it was my Birthday and I would get to celebrate it with her. When I got back from work she was there but with bruises all over and looked like she had aged 10 yrs in just the few months I had seen her. Apparently My stepfather had turned to relying on achohol alone to sustain after several bad business disc ions and almost $100,000 in gambling debt trying get everything back. He had turned to being abusive and taking it out on Mom. Talk about getting my blood boiling. Anyway, my Mom being the calm one I could always rely on calmed me down. We made a plan for here to be able to move to Texas and start over and get away. So She took off to Colorado a few days later to finish up some last details before moving. I don't know why but it was the the strangest feeling I have ever had when I Hugged her goodbye. then 3 days later at 2:17pm my phone rang from a hospital in CO. The lady on the end of the line tells me that my Mom has been shot. WHAT! WHY? WHERE IS GARY. She says whe cant tell me. Finally, someone gets on the line and tells me he is Dead! He shot my mom and then killed himself. They tell me that she has been shot in the chest three times and is being Care Flighted to Denver. So I am of on the next flight to Co. When I arrive I get to the Hospital to Find out that my Mom has Died. Talk of my Darkest night ever. They made us wait a week and half to even see her body because it was a crime. I went through every emotion that was possible working into almost 6 onths of complete numb. During that time I lived one big party life doing everything that I could to block it all out. Nothing really mattered to me. Then one night I met this girl. something was definitely different about her. anyway after a couple aof weeks she disappeared from my life but no matter what I did or where I went she would be there. That fall my grandfather had a stroke and was found to have a Brain tumor. After brain surgery and the stroke, he could no longer speak, the man that had alllthe answers was there and I could talk to but yet he could not reply. He could barely move his body he was so weak. I think this is when all feeling completely left me. How can this be happening to me, everyone that was suppose to be strong and supportive in my life was leaving. After the last visit with Him this girl came back into my life. She was there and somehow was able to coax me into talking, something I hated to do. Several weeks later my Grandfather passed away. Still this girl was there? Why, what was it that was continuing to bring us together, Fate? Anyway same old selfish me started dating this girl but she kept prying, pushing wanting to know more of me. Finally I broke one night and let her into the pain in my life. After many ups and downs in dating we began to look at churches. After much prayer I saw that God had brought us together, why, I still don't know? But he had a plan, He had a Plan the whole time, since that First day I accepted his son, He had been with me carrying me through, through all the losses, breathing life into me. He Has brought Amber into my life and no matter how much I rejected him brought me back. WHY? WHY WOULD HE DO THIS? Does he not remember the times I yelled in anger at Him, cursed Him, Blamed Him for all that he has done. Why would he still want me? I don't deserve all that He has blessed me with.......It has taken me eight years to get this out. I Have everything to Thank Jesus for. Thank you Jesus for my life. I think that I have sacrificed,Yet you are the One who sacrificed everything. I have given nothing for you. Nothing I have done has brought Glory to your Kingdom and you still love me and Bless me? Lord I Thank you for Bringing my wife into my life, Without her I may have never seen you again. I thank you for the children you have in trusted us with. Lord I thank you for restoring the relationship with my Dad. And Lord I ask your forgiveness for all that I have done against you. Lord, I know that you are my true Father, and that through everything, I can rely on your Truth. I want all that know me to know that I ask for your forgiveness for the way I may have walked on you pushed you away. Lord, thank you for all the bumps in the path you have led me Down that Have made me who I am. Thank you for restoring my Faith in you. I promise to never leave you or forsake you just as you have promised me.
So there is a short history of what I have been though. There is much, much more and I would say my biggest problem is Forgiveness, it is something I struggle everyday with I do forgive those that have Hurt me. I ask that you continue to Pray that God can use my Story in someway to further His Kingdom. Thank you......To Be Continued
